President Elect Donald J Trump Survives Assassination Attempt
Well it’s that time of the year again. Yes, the end of 2024 is coming to a slow rolling stop. Without a doubt, the tread on the tires of the 2024 Lady Liberty Limousine are worn bald from the trip and the gas tank is damn near on E. So, lets recap this bonkers year. Hang on…
January 1st; Kennebec County, Maine, Superior Court Justice Michaela Murphy on Wednesday suspended Secretary of State Shenna Bellows’ decision to bar former President Donald Trump from appearing on presidential primary ballots. When asked for comment in regards to why she wanted the former president removed from the ballot she replied, “anyone with a comb-over hairdo like that should not be on any ballot, especially in a state named Maine. (Think about it a minute, you’ll eventually get to it).
January 5th; A Boeing 737 Alaska Airlines flight was forced into an emergency landing when a door plug meant to hold pressurized emergency doors in place during flight, popped loose, causing the door to come off the plane at 16,000 feet elevation leaving the passengers with an exceptional view of the frozen landscape beneath them. A spokesperson for Alaska Airlines stated “No cause for alarm, we found the door and its salvageable.”
January 15th; Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin was released from a hospital on Monday after treatment for complications from prostate cancer surgery in December. Austin was admitted to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Jan. 1 and failed to notify the White House for several days. When President Biden was asked for comment on the absence of his Secretary of Defense he simply replied “never heard of her but I am sure she filed all the proper PTO request paperwork, I run a tight ship around here”.
Moving on to February-
February 14th- Gazillions of men acorss the globe, purchased heart shaped boxes of processed chocolate candies, balloons, and stuffed toys in hopes of getting out of trouble or getting into it.
February is a short month- not much happens. However…
March; In a stunning sequence of events, Airline manufacturers Boeing and Airbus Executives have had an unfortunate string of misunderstandings with their quality control divisions leading to what they now dub as nothing more than passenger “a series of unfortunate minor events”. A recap of the events are is as follows;
March 4: A Boeing 737-900 departing from George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston returned to the airport to make an emergency landing after one of the plane engines ingested and burned plastic wrap.
March 7: A Boeing 777 leaving San Francisco for Osaka, Japan, made an emergency landing at Los Angeles International Airport after the aircraft lost a wheel.
March 8: A Boeing 737 Max 8 veered off the runway upon landing at George Bush Airport in Houston and tilted onto the grass.
Later that day, a flight leaving San Francisco for Mexico City was diverted to Los Angeles after the Airbus A320 experienced issues with its hydraulic system.
March 9: An Airbus A320 heading to Salt Lake City turned back to Chicago O’Hare International Airport after it reported maintenance issues.
March 11: A Boeing 777, flying from Sydney, Australia, to San Francisco, turned back after takeoff because the plane had a hydraulic leak.
March 14: An Airbus A320 that departed from Dallas Fort Worth International Airport also had a hydraulic leak shortly before it landed in its scheduled destination, San Francisco.
Later that same day, a Boeing 737-800 that took off from San Francisco landed at Rogue Valley International Medford Airport in Oregon missing an external panel.
A company spokesperson for Boeing stated that “This stuff is always overblown”.
Moving on to April;
April 2nd -according to Forbes, there were 141 more billionaires added to the ever-growing list of Walton family heirs. Making her debut on the list for the first time was Mega-star and also head of the NFL’s marketing department was, Taylor Swift. The titular head of the Taylor Swift marketing department, Travis Kelce, declined to comment simply stating, “She ain’t writing a song about me, talk to my mom.”
April 15th- Donald J. Trump becomes the first former US President in the history of Presidents to stand trial on criminal charges relating to hush money paid to former Stripper Stormy Daniels. Ms. Daniels is now believed to be the current blessed Mother at St. Vincent DePaul parochial school for “Naughty Boys” in Queens NY. Former President Bill Clinton was quoted as saying; “The audacity of a man paying to keep a woman’s mouth shut is beyond my comprehension”.
April 25th- President Joe Biden announces he will be running for a second term as the President of the United States by whispering “No Joke.”
On the lighter side of the news for April; while out searching for the killer of his wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman, former NFL running back, O.J. Simpson died of prostate cancer.
Moving on to May
May 4th; Music pop star Madonna played to the largest concert crowd in her long-storied career. 1.6 million people showed up for a free concert in Rio de Janeiro to hear the 66-year-old entertainer give what some describe as less than convincing performance of “Like a Virgin”. When asked for a comment on the size of the crowd, Travis Kelce’s girlfriend and Executive Vice President of NFL marketing, Taylor Swift stated “Must have been a small venue.”
May 7th; After receiving 100% of the popular vote, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his 5th term as the Russian President.
May 19th; In a stunning display of accuracy in news reporting by CNN, Party Planner Sean Combs was forced to issue a formal apology after a video released by the network showed the event coordinator Combs, pummeling his then girlfriend Cassie Ventura at a hotel in California. CNN stated that 12 of their viewers actually saw the story then reposted it on Tic Toc causing the story to go viral. In a statement by a Combs spokesperson summed up the event as, “a big nothing burger”, and reiterated by adding, “they were just singing along to the popular Eagles song, “Hotel California” and things just got a little out of hand”.
May 30th; After a grueling 59 seconds of jury deliberation, an unbiased New York City jury convicted former President Donald J Trump of 34 felony counts of being the republican candidate for President of the United States, with bad hair.
Moving on the June
June 6th; President Joe Biden attended the D-Day anniversary commemoration ceremonies in Normandy France, marking the 80th year of the historic battle to liberate France from Nazi Germany. President Biden offered a sincere reflection of the historic day; “When I first landed here with my unit, there were bullets flying everywhere. Boy, we really gave it to the Japanese that day, true story.” He went on to say that he spent the rest of the war searching for his Uncle Bozie, who may or may not have been eaten by cannibals, (according to the aging president).
June 17th; In a decisive 5th game victory, the Boston Celtics defeated the Dallas Mavericks 106-88 to claim their 18th championship trophy in franchise history. Jaylen Brown was named the championship MVP. When asked for comment on Jaylen’s performance, former Celtic great Larry Bird was quoted as saying “Who?”.
Moving on to July
July 1st; Former Presidents Barack Obama, George W Bush, and Bill Clinton hired party planner Sean Combs to help them celebrate the supreme court’s decision involving former President Donald J. Trump’s immunity from testimony while serving as president, ruling that; Presidents do have immunity from prosecution for all official acts committed while holding the highest office in the land.
July 4th- In a traditional display of patriotism, adult men across the fruited plains, lost multiple fingers while consuming alcohol and lighting explosives in celebration of America’s 248th year of independence from the Kings rule.
July 13th 6:11pm; At a political rally in Butler Pennsylvania, former President Donald Trump survived an assassination attempt after a bullet from a sniper’s rifle grazed his ear, leaving the former President with blood streaking down his face and a raised fist shouting “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT”. It’s the most bad-ass thing I have ever seen in real life. No Joke.
July 13th 8:16pm; After a complete and thorough autopsy conducted via Skype, the now deceased Presidential assassin, 20-year-old Thomas Crooks body was cremated and his ashes were interred at an unknown location in Langley Virginia.
July 21st; In a written statement, actor George Clooney announced that “at his request”, President Joseph R. Biden would not seek a second term as President of the United States.
July 23rd; Kimberly Cheatle, former head of security for the salty snacks and beverage division of soft drink giant PepsiCo and current director of the United States Secret Service, stepped down from her position after she failed to adequately protect former President Donald J Trump from an assassin’s bullet during a political rally in Butler Pennsylvania. Her replacement, Ronald Rowe, and the actual agent in charge of securing the rally for President Trump in Pennsylvania declined to comment on her departure.
July 26th; I could comment on the opening ceremonies of the XXXIII summer Olympics but you wouldn’t believe it, so I won’t. You can YouTube it but, be prepared to request a young priest and an old priest to help conduct a proper exorcism.
Moving on to August-
August 1st through 11th; A bunch of people won Valuable Gold, Silver and Bronze medals for many various Olympic competitive events in Paris France. Other medals that were awarded for Trampoline’s, badminton, Eventing (Mucho big points if you know what ‘Eventing’ is…) and air pistols competitions were said to have no monetary value but could be redeemed for prizes at any participating Chucky Cheese.
August 27th; Travis and Jason Kelce, the popular NFL football brothers, signed a 100-million-dollar deal with Amazon’s Wondery podcast for their popular New heights Sports related Podcast. Taylor Swift, Executive Vice President of NFL marketing gleefully stated, “I couldn’t be happier for the brothers, especially the tall one, he can stop freeloading now.”
Moving on to September-
September 9th; The world’s first whole eye and face transplant is declared successful for a 47-year-old Arkansas man (not me), more than one year after the operation. Yes, you read that correctly…A guy got a brand new face and new eyeballs. Former speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi expressed to her staffers that she had a profound interest in the procedure and would like more details.
September 9th; One of the greatest and most recognizable voices in the history of voices passed away today, when Actor James Earl Jones died at the age of 93. His deep and precise vocal proclamation of “I am your father” in the Sci-fi blockbuster Star Wars can be closely replicated while speaking directly into an oscillating fan.
September 14th; The US Navy commissioned its first mixed gender submarine, the USS New Jersey at the Naval weapons station Earle, in Middletown New Jersey. The Nuclear-powered submersible is a Virginia-class attack submarine, capable of remaining submerged indefinitely. The first test of endurance went off without a hitch however, it was forced to re-surface 9 months after it’s maiden voyage for what was described as needing some; “routine maintenance” and “Pack n’ Play”.
September 17th; Hand held electronic paging devices belonging to armed Hezbollah groups began exploding all over Lebanon, killing nine people and injuring 2800 other unsuspecting militants. In an ironic coincidence, Mobile providers, Verizon, ATT and T-Mobile all reported exorbitantly increased data and cell traffic coming from Tel Aviv and Jerusalem around the same time.
Moving on to October-
October 1st- Speaking of archaic communication devices, Former President James Earl Carter III celebrated his 100th birthday today in his home town of Plains Georgia. When asked to make a wish and blow out his candles, the former president was overheard saying, “no need, I’m no longer the worst President in history.”
October 2nd- The death toll from hurricane Helene passes 175, making it the deadliest Hurricane since Katrina. President Biden authorized the use of 1000 federal troops to be dispatched to the area for assistance and has authorized Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to release 100K in relief funds for the victims of the devasting hurricane.
October 6th- Former President Donald J Trump returned to a rally in Butler Pennsylvania, the exact site of a missed assassination attempt at an earlier rally in July. He began his remarks by stating; “as I was saying”. Another bad-ass move by the former President.
October 14th- The Dow Jones Industrial Average’s eclipses the 43,000 mark for the first time in the storied stock exchanges existence. In an unrelated event, Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi becomes the first sitting member of congress to become a trillionaire.
Moving on to November-
November 4th- A new survey of Japanese teenagers reveals only a fifth of teenage boys aged 15-18-years-old have experienced their first kiss, the lowest level since 1974. In unrelated story, Stormy Daniels, blessed Mother of St Vincent DePaul Parochial School for Naughty Boys, excitedly announced that she would be franchising a new Boys parochial school in Toyoko, ASAP.
November 5th- In what is considered to be a landslide victory, former President Donald J Trump defeated Vice President Kamala Harris and is elected the 47th President of the United States by winning both the popular vote and the electoral vote. In a brief moment of clarity, current President Joe Biden was overheard whispering to Nancy Pelosi, “Nanny Nanny Boo Boo.”
November 25th 10am-In another stunning moment of clairvoyance, the US Justice Department request and is granted dismissal of pending criminal charges against Donald Trump. The request for dismissal was based on their policy that indicting or trying a sitting president would violate the Constitution and interfere with the working of the executive branch. While speaking with former President Barack Obama, Attorney’s General Merrick Garland was overhead saying “sorry boss”.
November 26th 10:05am- US special counsel Jack Smith abandons cases against Donald Trump, for mishandling classified documents and attempts to overturn the 2020 election, as sitting presidents can’t be charged. When asked for comment, President elect Donald J Trump smiled and simply replied, “can’t wait to fire that asshole.”
November 26th 10:06am- US special counsel Jack Smith announces plans for his retirement with the effective date set as January 19th 2025.
Moving on to December-
December 1st- After 4 years of repeated claims that he would not pardon his son, President Joseph R. Biden did in fact issue a “full and unconditional pardon” for any offenses Hunter Biden has “committed or may have committed or taken part in during the period from January 1, 2014 through December 1, 2024,” according to the White House statement. GOSH…I didn’t see that one coming. A politician lied… Go figure.
December 2nd- Immediately after issuing a pardon to his son, President Bidden continued the search for his World War II MIA and presumed cannibalized Uncle Bozie, as he lands in Luanda, Angola, on his only trip to sub-Saharan Africa, the first US president to visit since 2015.
December 7th. After the devastating 2019 fire, the beautifully restored Notre Dame Cathedral re-opens with a VIP ceremony attended by world leaders in Paris, France. After maneuvering into a position next to President elect Donald J Trump, first lady, Dr. Jill Biden was overheard asking President elect Donald J Trump if Baron, the President’s youngest son, perhaps needed a baby sitter…
December 8th- The NFL’s executive vice president of marketing and also singer and songwriter Taylor Swift, concluded her “Eras Tour” with her 149th show in Vancouver, Canada. The 21-month international tour is the highest grossing of all time with an estimated box office gross of 2 billion dollars. When asked for comment, the aging Pop Star Madonna sneered and said, “show off”.
December 9th- NFL Philadelphia Eagles running back Saquon Barkley sets a new franchise season record for yards rushing, 1,623 yards with four games still to play. The Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones declined comment but did manage to mutter “yeah well, he ain’t no Zeke”.
December 16th- When informed that new research indicates that, 37 Bronze-Age Britons were butchered and cannibalized and their remains thrown down a shaft in Charterhouse Warren in England, President Biden replied, “see, I told ya’ll but you wouldn’t listen.”
December 25th- Besides celebrating the amazing birthday of a Jewish carpenter from Bethlehem, Baltimore Ravens Lamar Jackson breaks NFL career rushing record for quarterbacks in a 31-2 win over the Texans in Houston; he rushed for 87 yards, pushing his career rushing total to 6,110. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was overhead mumbling, “yeah well, he aint no Dak.”
December 29th- Former President James Earl Carter III died at the age 100. He was well known as a very good man which was evident for his love for his family and his work with habitat for humanity. Fortunately, he passed on knowing he would not go down as the worst president in history.
This has been one of the most goofy and unpredictable years I can remember. There are still a few days left, but you know what, I am ready to close the book on this year, so I am mentally moving on to 2025.
For the year 2025, try and remember that every day is like a canvas for you to paint, paint it like YOU want to paint it and forget what the nay-sayers and “experts” have to say. After all, some of the sharpest knives in drawer have predicted or said the following…
“With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn’t likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market.” — Business Week, August 2, 1968
“There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will.” — Albert Einstein, 1932
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” — Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“Remote shopping, while entirely feasible, will flop—because women like to get out of the house, like to handle merchandise, like to be able to change their minds.” Time Magazine 1966
Happy New year Everyone- Make it a good one.