I’m here for my interview…
I own a small business, a liquor store actually, it’s a very easy business to own and operate but it requires a little investment of money, time and if you do well enough, it requires help. You know the help part comes in the form of an employee, a person whom you hire to help you do the important stuff like showing up for their assigned shift. It’s usually a pretty fair system, I didn’t invent it but I have studied in depth, the details and inner-workings of compensation for work and thought I was relatively versed in the concept but, nope.
Working in a Liquor store is actually fun, it’s easy to take care of customers in the liquor business, they are usually either happy or sad when they come to visit and either way, our products and service can either enhance the good mood or change the bad mood. Yes, I know, the answer to life cannot be found in a bottle but I don’t like to over manage any situation and prefer that folks discover these key elements of spirituality on their own. Come to think of it now, I’m not really a just a liquor store owner, I’m a 100% fool proof liquor store “mentor”, well maybe not 100 proof, 80 proof usually does the trick. I need to go rest my arm, it hurts from patting myself on the back…
I’d like to think that I have very high standards when it comes to the customer service and store appearance industry (thank you Sam Walton). I love a clean, lively store with super friendly employees with a little soft “mood music” playing overhead to help you relax as you shop for your much-needed selections. However, I am very picky about our music selection so I tend to settle on classic rock because it covers almost all basis of the musical genre but Barry White is absolutely forbidden, everyone knows that alcohol mixed with Barry White is precisely how babies are made.
I also try to share my 40 years of retail wisdom and high standards with my employee’s. Some examples of my requirements for my employees are; I require that you show up fully clothed, I prefer you show up on time and if you aren’t going to be on time, I prefer you show up. I prefer you smell good or offer no smell at all. I prefer you be fully awake during all shifts and to never ever forget to breathe while you are on the clock. The one cardinal rule that you must follow without fail is that no matter how poor of a math student you were in elementary school, you must be 21 years of age to purchase alcohol and cigarettes, no matter how cute or hot the customer might be. I provide onsite rigorous training sessions to ensure that you can meet all my lofty requirements.
I cover all this with you because I am currently hiring for a 2 day a week job. I’ve posted the job on indeed like I usually do and, in all honesty, I have had decent results in the people that have applied lately. I’ve hired a college English teacher, an elementary school teacher, a medical school student, and a phycology major but my luck seems to have run out. I scheduled 6 interviews recently and my first interview quickly offers up that he is a convicted felon. I have no problem with giving people second chances in life but if beheading your former boss in a fit of rage is on your wrap sheet, I’ll pass. Three of my interview choices were a complete no show, no call. I would rather hear that a deranged circus elephant went on a rampage and crushed your iPhone and your Volkswagen preventing you from contacting anyone including animal control.
The 5th interview showed up on time which is a huge bonus in my book but I think in her rush to be punctual she failed to find a clean pair of sweat pants and the AC/DC shirt she had meticulously selected for this potential life altering position, had been worn relatively thin, thin enough for me to inadvertently realize that her braziere missed the trip to the interview on this chilly morning. Once her boys sprang into action, I was forced to spend the rest of the interview staring at the ready to pop pimple on her forehead. I get enough jokes about needing a sign in the store that says “Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear”. This is a family blog so I will let you figure that one out on your own.
The 6th and final interview was a nice young lady that was really excited to be in an interview. She didn’t wear her “Sunday go to meetin” clothes but she dressed appropriately for a part time liquor store clerk position. The interview was going great until she said she had to put her feet up every hour or so because her feet and ankles would swell enough to cause her shoes to pop off like champagne corks. Now, this is something I’d actually like to see for myself but we didn’t have time because although she didn’t mention anything about it, she must have had several malfunctioning sweat glands. This poor woman sweated so much that I had to pause the interview long enough to find a roll of paper towels.
I realize that I have just one of the 10 million jobs that are currently unfilled in the united states but I would like to think that mine is the best and even if you don’t think it’s the best, come work for me for two days and you can spend the other 5 days interviewing for the other 9,999,000 other available jobs. All i ask is that you show up, hydrate yourself properly, abolish any thoughts of retributive beheadings and most importantly, if it’s cold and your shirt has worn thin, please pop any unsightly pimples on your forehead before you come to my interview. I would appreciate it.