Greatest Marketer Ever
I get a kick out of seeing how early in the year Christmas commercials begin airing. I don’t mind them at all, I love Christmas so they could start December 26th and run all year for all I care. I think some of the most creative and wonderful commercials run during the holiday season and I love them all, no matter how corny or sappy they are. I can handle corny and sappy in short 30 second bursts with the best of them but if you try to the me to watch the Hallmark Christmas channel you lose me. I can’t do two hours of corny and sappy. Nope, can’t do it.
I wish I had the skill for marketing and the looks of the greatest marketer ever, Don Draper (Madmen) but I have neither so I will just settle for being a semi-easily persuaded consumer. I know that my joy of Christmas and my love for the catchy jingle gives me a great deal of pleasure so I just roll with it. If you are an excellent marketer and you know how to cut to the chase in 30 seconds, you have me for life. Here are some commercials that have remained stuck firmly in my head for so many years. you might remember some and it might spur you to remember some of your own, so let’s get started…
Plop Plop fizz fizz, oh what a… If you can finish this jingle you are at least my age, perhaps even older, which is ok, I don’t judge. It is an old ad for Alka-Seltzer which featured a little animated or claymation guy named “Speedy”. It was cute and catchy. https://youtu.be/iENQXIQ8wH0.
For some reason it reminds me of Christmas and the holiday seasons. It could be because that was the time I watched the most TV. There were only three channels available to watch and “Old Speedy” was on all of them. I remember it being such a great ad that I couldn’t wait to get older so I could drink a glass of the fizzy life altering nectar myself. I mean, it seemed like all the adults at my house were chugging the stuff like it was a chocolate milkshake. I didn’t wait to get older to try it though, the anticipation of such a satisfying drink was simply too much to handle for a boy of my intellectual curiosity, When no grownups were around, I plopped a few tablets in some water and watched those volcanic bubbles begin to do their thing! The noise and the anticipation of sheer delight was incredible, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to drink it before it started to fizz out or let the waters calm before I guzzled my adult treat… I picked a happy middle spot and I chugged every last drop. When I finished, I got my first lesson in commercialism, good marketing makes a product seem delightful when in fact it is awful. Hats off to “Old Speedy” I bet he sold a gazillion tablets of the stuff. Seltzer water in any form is simply not for me, that includes White claw. I will stick with…
Here comes the King here comes the big number one… duh dah dah. If you know that jingle you are getting closer to my age…maybe. If you know the jingle you are seeing these huge Clydesdale horses clomping through a snow driven field, pulling a massive beer wagon with a cuddly Dalmatian sitting in the driver seat along with two stoic but square jawed handsome men leading the team by confidently holding the reigns and blankly staring ahead. I love those commercials because they reminded me that it was winter and Christmas was near. https://youtu.be/6aWzuQ1ufGs. It also made me want one of those most famous and delicious Budweiser beers. I mean, those beer commercials back then were angelic! They conveyed the message that people were happier and warmer when they were able to embrace someone they loved while holding an ice cold can of mass-produced mind altering ale. Every Christmas since I was old enough to partake and some that I weren’t, I managed to crack open a can of the St. Louis Nectar now owned by someone in Germany. Nothing says Christmas like giant horses, Dalmatians and beer. But maybe you don’t like the adult beverage, perhaps you chose to…
Have a coke and a…! This one reminds me of a little boy offering his last hard-earned bottle of “diabetes waiting to happen” called Coca-Cola, to a limping, giant man named Joe Greene that they affectionately called Mean Joe Greene. Now that I think about it, that kid had balls. It should have been a commercial about shedding the shackles of boyhood and becoming a man. This commercial reminded me of Christmas also because it offered a 30 second glimpse into the nature of giving, the simple act of giving more than you have and expecting nothing in return. Look, for his effort, the kid got a sweaty, dirty game jersey out of it. Even though being hit in the face with soiled linen, soaked with 3 hours of human sweat, body odor and god knows what other secretions, the kid had the where with all to be a gentleman and reply, “wow… Thanks Mean Joe”. https://youtu.be/xffOCZYX6F8. I think the kid probably took the jersey home, asked his mom or dad, or his moms or dads, his, he’s or hers or hims and she’s (I don’t want to miss any pairings or pronouns) to clean up the smelly, dirty, relic of a bad day. He probably went to sleep wondering what he could have done better to help that poor man besides offer him a coke and smile but before his head hit the pillow he was already excited about the next day because….
The best part of waking up is… if you answered that one, like me, you love those commercials. Drinking coffee in the morning, especially on a winter morning, and even more especially, drinking coffee on a Christmas morning is close to orgasmic. Ok, maybe not that close but stay with me here. The commercial where the older son comes home from somewhere on Christmas morning via someone’s Volkswagen bug, carrying an arm load of packages. Anyway, he makes a pot of coffee, a pot of delicious and robust FOLGERS coffee and the mere smell of that freshly brewed heaven in a cup wafts through the entire house subsequently waking his mother and father and they all come down the stairs in their pajamas and have the best dog gone Christmas ever. I am balling my eyeballs out right now as I remember this little gem of holiday nostalgia. https://youtu.be/I4kNl7cQdcU. Ok, I will cut the kid some slack for showing up at the last minute. Maybe he came home to help teach his little sister how to phonetically recognize the four main food groups, starting with processed meat, like…
My Bologna has a first name… cutest kid ever. If you have the letters O-S-C-A-R stuck in your head the rest of the day, don’t blame me, blame the brilliant marketing company that created this catchy tune. Now I wish I could tie this commercial to Christmas but I can’t. This kid is sitting on the dock fishing, nothing is biting so he gets hungry, and like most guys, he dreams of what he could do if only he had a longer fishing pole, all while eating a bologna sandwich. He might be a steak eater but he is cutting corners and saving a buck by eating B-O-L-O-G-N-A instead, giving him more Christmas money to spend on gifts? Yeah I know, no matter how hard I try, It’s not a Christmas commercial. https://youtu.be/rmPRHJd3uHI.
I really do love Christmas commercials but I am more fascinated by marketing yet I know nothing about it. What I know is that if the marketer can get in my head with a catchy phrase, or press my emotional buttons with babies, toddlers, puppies and a mothers love, you got me, I’m buying your stuff and I don’t even drink Folgers coffee, I used to, but now I drink McD’s- you know that company that has that hamburger that has two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun. I don’t know why I remember those ingredients so well, but whatever… I rarely eat B-O-L-O-G-N-A sandwiches unless they are fried and I dang sure don’t drink Alka-Seltzer so in my humble and thrifty opinion, the marketing golden globe/academy/Grammy/Gold medal/rodeo queen (drag or not) winner for me goes to my great friends at Budweiser. I don’t care that you sold a wholesome American beer company with German roots to a German conglomerate, you still have a loyal customer even though I can’t always have it my way…