Happy New Year 2026!
I think we all entered into 2025 with the same usual optimism we always have, only to have that optimism dampened on a daily basis, but then rekindled by current events. Some of those events are head scratchers, while others made me laugh. Yes, there are some that made me cry, but each year, around Christmas, I ask Father Time to reach into his vest pocket, pull out his stop watch and give me a minute to catch my breath. He never complies, he simply smiles and points me in the direction of the new year.
As we go kicking and screaming into 2026, It is important, at least to me, to recap some of the events of 2025 so that we can either avoid the pitfalls or, like a toddler attacking the puddle in the road, jump into them with both feet.
Some of the events you know about and some you don’t. I tried to stay away from the obvious stuff like; politicians are crooks and tax money is wasted, but they show up anyway. Sorry…Here goes!
January 2025
In one of the biggest blockbuster stories of January 2025, the great state of Oklahoma passed house bill 1325 making it legal for a Rooster to battle robots in arena’s where people actually pay to watch. Of course, there were strict regulations placed within the law, the top one being, the roosters could not be harmed. An Anonymous Congressional source stated that “As, God fearing people, it’s high time we stopped all the political infighting and let our cocks do the fighting”. Another anonymous source stated, “We are about to see what happens when a well-trained cock goes head to head with some silly, techno gadget, machine thingy”.
The beautiful and historic pacific palisades neighborhood of Malibu California burned to the ground due to dry conditions caused by what is known as the Santa Ana winds and a few empty water reservoirs across southern California. Mayor Karen Bass immediately returned from her tax payer funded trip to Ghana and offered no comment. Governor Gavin Newsom stepped in during her absence and blamed the election of Donald Trump for the high winds, dry conditions and empty reservoirs.
Speaking of Donald J. Trump, for just the second time in the history of the United States, a President began serving his second nonconsecutive term. Donald Trump joins Grover Cleveland as the only two presidents in history to share that distinction. When asked about the historic distinction, President Trump stated, “It’s great, it’s really, really great, this is history on levels that nobody has ever seen before”. Despite repeated efforts, Grover Cleveland could not be reached for comment.
February 2025
On Valentine’s Day, in an incredible story of survival, a kayaker was swallowed whole by an obviously famished humpback whale. A Go pro camera recorded the entire event. While kayaking off the coast of Chile, Adrian Simancas was completely ingulfed, kayak and all, by a humpback whale. He was spat out just seconds later and was heard to be screaming “¡Estoy vivo!”, translated to “I’m Alive!”. Covered in krill and fish guts, Adrian thanked the whale for what he called “it’s disdain for spicy Chilean food’.
Mass pink slips were issued to thousands of Government employee’s in areas ranging from the CDC, DOD, and the DOE, setting off what critics called a constitutional crisis. Since the pink slips were delivered to each of the governmental offices, lawyers claimed that 99% of the government employees affected by the terminations could not be reached for proper notification.
March 2025
In a story directly from Monsters Inc. A woman, baby sitting in Kansas was trying to assure the child she was babysitting that there were no monsters hiding under her bed by looking under the child’s bed only to come face to face with 27-year-old Martin Villalobos Jr. Villalobos immediately claimed to be James P. “Sully” Sullivan of Monsters Inc. and he was merely trying to reach his “scream quota” for the night. Thankfully, he was arrested and the child and the sitter were unharmed. Democrats politicians in Kansas immediately blamed the election of Donald Trump for the intrusion.
On March 28th, gang violence erupted in Cape Cod Massachusetts when three heavily feathered wild turkeys began stalking and harassing USPS carrier Wayne White as he tried to deliver mail to his assigned route. The Turkeys followed his truck and harassed him at each stop. He defended himself by using wads of centuries old junk mail to pummel the attackers. As the story twists, it is believed that two of the three turkeys were pardoned on Thanksgiving in 2020 by then president, Donald J. Trump.
April 2025
Matthew Hunter, 63 of Palm Coast Florida was apprehended by the police after attempting to break into a neighbor’s home wearing nothing but his birthday suit. The naked man attempted to break into the house but fled after the neighbor called the police. While attempting to flee, Hunter ran into a nearby church where the police caught him by the organ. Ok, the story is true except for the church and organ part, I made that up…apparently it was unseasonably cold in Palm Coast that day. The police used the normal appendages handcuff him and to retain him.
On April 14th, upon returning from her harrowing 11-minute suborbital flight, Astronaut Katy Perry showed her excitement and relief when she kneeled and kissed the ground. She, and the all-female crew are being hailed as hero’s as they overcame the weightlessness of space and returned safely. Fred Haise, the last remaining survivor of the Apollo 13 crew that were stranded in space for 5 days, 22 hours, and 54 minutes, could not be reached for comment.
May 2025
After the death of Pope Francis, the Catholic diocese elected native Chicagoan, Robert Francis Prevost as Pope Leo XIV, the first ever American Pontiff. The 267th Pope is the first Pope born after World War II and during the cold war and thus the first Pope to be born in the Baby Boomer generation. There is nothing overly funny about that, except that he may still collect green stamps, spend his free “Non-Popeing” time watching Gilligan’s island and avoiding discussions about Woodstock.
National Security advisor Mike Walz resigned after he mistakenly added Jeffrey Goldberg, Editor-in-chief of the American Magazine to a group chat under the mobile messaging app, Signal, that discussed forcibly opening shipping lanes in the Red sea, closed by Houthi rebels through attacks and hijacking commercial vessels. During the chats in a note sent to Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth, Vice President JD Vance had the audacity to proclaim that “I just hate bailing out Europe again” where Hegseth replied “I fully share your loathing of European free-loading. It’s PATHETIC”. When asked for comment, President Trump replied, “It’s great, it’s really really great, this is loathing on levels that nobody has ever seen before.”
June 2025
In Salt Lake City, on June 14th, Jose Manuel Perez was casually eating lunch with a friend at a local business when he suddenly started hitting his friend without warning. The victim. confused, tried to escape but Perez chased him down, put him in a choke hold, then yanked out a homemade wooden stake with a nail sticking out of it and yelled, “you’re a werewolf, and I am going to pierce your heart!” Luckily, the victim broke free and escaped unharmed, but still confused. Police stated that according to the lunar calendar, the attacker was 4 days tardy in his werewolf eradication plans, as the full moon occurred on June 10th.
Cementing their dominance and widely known for their deep rooted, rich tradition of Professional ice hockey champions, the Florida Panthers won their second consecutive NHL title. Canada, known for its maple syrup and comedic actors, stated that the newly imposed and highly unfair Trump Tariffs had severely damaged their Hockey Industry.
July 2025
I can’t lie, July was a terribly tough month for news. Over 100 people, many being little girls attending a summer camp in the Texas Hill Country lost their lives when unpredictably devastating rains caused mass flooding along the Guadalupe river. After you read this, please hug your kids and tell them you love them.
Brian Kohlberger was convicted of the murder of 4 innocent kids as they slept in their off-campus housing at Idaho State University. Unfortunately, he was not given the death penalty but received a sentence of 4 consecutive life sentences without the possibility of parole. It is my year end wish that he be elected as the “soap picker upper” at the Idaho Maximum security prison or perhaps he be forced to share a cell with Salt Lake City resident Jose Manuel Perez.
Billionaire Rapper Sean “Diddy” combs was sentenced to 4 years in prison for two counts of transporting for prostitution (under the Mann Act). He is ironically serving his sentence at a federal corrections institute in New Jersey, named Ft. Dix. Upon his sentencing, shares of Johnson and Johnson baby oil plummeted to record lows.
In an effort to lighten things up; on July 21st, in an attempt to lift the “curse of Jimmy”, the Dallas Cowboys assembled in Oxnard California to begin preparations for their first practices of 2025. This marked the beginning of their quest for their first super bowl appearance in 30 years. The Hall of Fame coach Jimmy Johnson was told to “part ways” with the team by noted football savant and team owner Jerry Jones. The Cowboys have been in an utter free fall since that famed “parting of ways”.
Lastly for July; On July 16th in Foxborough Massachusetts, love birds, Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot were caught cuddling and dancing on a Kiss cam while at a Cold Play concert. Andy Byron was CEO of Astronomer, a New York based technology company founded in 2018. His Chief Human Resources officer was none other than Kristin Cabot. It is believed that Cabot plans to file harassment charges against Byron under the claim that she would never, in her right mind attend a Cold Play concert unless she was under heavy duress.
August 2025
On August 6th for the third time in three weeks a large neon green phallic sex toy was tossed onto the floor of a WNBA basketball court as the Indiana Fever faced off against the Los Angeles sparks. This time, the toy seemingly struck Fever sensation Sophie Cunningham in the foot as she stood at the foul line. A spokesperson for the WNBA stated that the WNBA has no interest in phalluses of any shape size or color.
A man in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, while filming his dog playing in the snow, may have inadvertently filmed what is believed to be the notorious Sasquatch. Personally, it, whatever it is, looks more like Chaka from the land of the lost. It is my personal opinion that; Travis Kelce has a better chance of being spotted in a Dallas Cowboy uniform than this being Bigfoot…
Speaking of Travis Kelce, On August 26th he proposed to mega superstar Taylor Swift. Proving that football players aren’t as dumb as you think and also proving that it would be impossible for Travis to have been in the Sierra Nevada mountains at the same time. Atta Boy Trav!
Ok, one last story from August that you won’t believe either, but here goes; From Bettiah India, a one-year old child bit a King Cobra to death. Apparently, the child was left briefly unsupervised for a second when a deadly King Cobra slithered into the child’s grasp. The child, identified as Govinda, the other lost son of Jor-El from Krypton used all four of his teeth to neutralize the deadly predator. However, in the process of mauling the slithering menace to death, young Govinda ingested some venom and passed out shortly after his evening snack. He was rushed to hospital where he is expected to make a full recovery and continue to search for his long-lost big brother, Clark Kent.
September 2025
On September 10th, Turning point USA founder Charlie Kirk was assassinated while debating students on the campus of Utah Valley University. 22-year-old, Tyler Robinson from southern Utah, sent texts to his trans-furry boyfriend confessing that he had indeed committed the disgusting act of cowardice extremism. His parents turned him over to police after identifying their son’s picture that was circulated on TV. It is one video that I wish I hadn’t seen. History tells us time after time, after time, that; Silencing your opponent through violence never works. RIP Charlie.
October 2025
Send Us Your Money!
The US Federal Government entered a shutdown over a budget impasse between Republicans and Democrats. Apparently, the republicans would like to spend the excessive amount of tax payer money that was already in the current budget and the democrats would like to spend more than excessive amount of money that was already in the current budget. Meanwhile, hundreds of Americans and foreigners cancelled their trips to Yellowstone in hopes of spotting Kevin Costner, and the country remains 38 trillion dollars in debt.
Recently engaged to football legend and super star Travis Kelce, nicknamed “The Big Yeti”, Taylor Swift released her 12th studio album, “Life of a Show Girl”. During the release, Ms. Swift had one-week advanced sales of 15 million in the first 24 hours. Also, in the first week of the release, she sold 4,002 million units which is a modern era record. In a side note, she broke spotify’s single-day streaming record for 2025 (within 11 hours). Breaking with tradition, there has been speculation that Mr. Kelce has requested a small dowry from Ms. Swift.
November 2025
In a traditional White House ceremony, President Trump pardoned to potential thanksgiving Turkey’s, named “Gobble and Waddle”. Immediately after being pardoned, the two liberated turkeys bolted for Cape Cod Massachusetts where they began attacking postal workers.
In a real head scratcher, Gen Alpha slang “67”, (pronounced Six Seven) exploded across the globe, inexplicably becoming viral lingo for everything/nothing. It earned dictionary.com’s “word of the year award”. I still don’t get it AND…someone tell “dictionary.com” that SIX-SEVEN is TWO words.
A story that occurred in August but was not officially certified and announced until November, Guinness Book of World records certified that Martin Ströby, a 42-year-old dad from Helsingborg Sweden managed to shove 81 matches into his nostrils, easily “striking” down the previous record of 68.
December 2025
More blockbuster news that thankfully does not involve matches jammed in your nostrils or children snacking on deadly snakes…My youngest daughter got engaged! The wedding is next year! I am a happy man.
The Ukraine vs Russia war has gone on all year. I intentionally left it off the monthly review. Since it began in 2022, the United States has given close to 300 billion in tax payer dollars to fund the killing. Coupled with the money spent and depending upon where you look, some internet sites estimate that close to 500,000 combined soldiers have perished in this senseless war. It’s stupid.
Speaking of wasted tax payer dollars…A 23-year-old YouTuber, Nick Shirley decided to do some investigative journalism, and in one day, uncovered approximately 110 million in fraudulent schemes involving bogus day care’s and Learning centers with signs on the building spelled incorrectly. He pointed to one of the Learning center signs that incorrectly spelled, “Learing Center”. All of the schemes were in Viking State of Minnesota. Much of the fraud centered around Somalians claiming to have as many as 100 children registered at the day care yet, no children existed.
With a dismal 7 wins, 8 losses and one tie, The Dallas Cowboys are once again eliminated from making the playoffs. The Curse of Jimmy Johnson remains intact.
So as not to end the year on a downer, Santa Clause came as he always does. I received some spiffy new Ugg slippers because my old ones had been condemned by the Health department and I received some super cool, brand-new screw drivers, (the kind you work with, not the kind you drink) with oversized grips. Christmas could not have been better for me. I hope it was the same for you. See you next year.