Seinfeld…Always on
I am close, oh so close. I just need a few more weeks of mindlessly scanning through my direct TV Guide only to conclude that throughout the scan of all 500 channels that are available, there is nothing on. Every time I hit that frustration point and my hand is cramping from stressfully pressing the “next” button, I blindly go right to channel 304, Andy Griffith or 247, Seinfeld and I manage to find an inner-peace that I have come to believe is what I was truly searching for…peace.
I am a restless soul of sorts, I can’t sit still. I’ve never been able to relax. Even when things are going well, when the bills are paid and the refrigerator is fully stocked, I am still restless. I used to bite my fingernails as a child and then later as an adult. It took me a while to break the habit of biting my finger nails down to stumps. I am not sure how I did it other than being embarrassed that my fingers looked like a 10 pack of Oscar Mayer weenies. I am still a fidgety dude but at least I have fingernails now.
I am the guy that plans for every contingency and gets no sleep after the plans have been made. Sitting to watch TV has been difficult my whole life, which is why I can easily give you my favorite shows throughout my short life.
Of course, as a child, ANY Loony Tunes cartoon would get my attention, without fail. I am pretty sure Bugs Bunny gave me my wit, Wile E. Coyote my determination, and my skepticism from Tweedy Bird. The show was called “Looney Tunes” so, even at a young age, I knew not to look too hard for intelligence. I just needed something to get me to sit still for a few minutes. My mom was happy that It did the trick. It didn’t even matter that we didn’t have a color tv, I still laughed.
A little later, but still a youngster, I found the little rascals. What a wonderful show that was! The humor that skillfully illustrated the self-deprecating way that children manage to get into and out of trouble without even trying was fascinating to watch. The humor was brilliant and regardless of how old the reel was or how “scratchy” it sounded, I watched every episode, multiple times. Somehow over time, illustrating that White Kids and Black kids could play together, love each other and help each other get out of the worst possible jams a kid could get into, became politically incorrect and every amazing episode was forever banished to collect warehouse dust. Apparently, children of all genders and races getting along in life was just too much for society to handle.
Now I come to this semi-shameful admission that I loved Gilligan’s island. My sister and I used to fight over the rights to watch Gilligan’s Island or the Brady Bunch. Now, just to be fair, I know Jan, Marsha, Cindy, Greg, Bobby and Peter as well as I know Mr. and Mrs. Howell, Ginger, Mary Ann (Mary Ann is still the most smokin hot woman to ever grace the planet), the Skipper and the Professor so I didn’t always win the rights to Gilligan so I endured the Brady Bunch like a trooper. My take on those shows is this; Alice never married Sam the Butcher when she clearly should have and the Howell’s sure did pack a ton of clothes for a 3-hour tour.
Somewhere in my formative years was Andy Griffith. The one show that I can fall back on when I am tired of channel surfing. Andy showed his strength as a father, and it was impressionable. I still cry when Opie shoots that bird with his trusty new sling shot. Not because the bird died but because I made a million sling shots as a boy and I couldn’t hit our house if I tried. Andy never carried a gun, he got his hair cut daily and he dated a school teacher named Crump. He never panicked, I just love that guy. He did some other shows that I didn’t watch. I just couldn’t, he was Sheriff Andy Taylor. He could never be anything else.
As time passed, I got older and went to work so it was tough to find anytime to watch tv. My schedule was lousy and since there was no DVR and we couldn’t afford a VCR, I just had to do the best I could. I eventually landed on CHEERS. What a great show, guys drinking beer, a former baseball player chasing skirts all over the show, a fat guy that sat at the end of the bar and made wise cracks, a know it all postman who made you laugh with his knowledge of worthless trivia, a tiny waitress that through her grit, wit and confidence, struck fear into the hearts of every person on the show. I have searched for a bar like that but just when everyone starts to know my name…I feel guilty and switch bars.
I remember there being a large degree of channel surfing between Cheers and finally finding Seinfeld. I scrunched my coat sleeves with Miami Vice and I tried to go without socks like those cool dudes but it just made feet smell so I stopped that for everyone’s benefit. I bought every Cosby Sweater ever made and I must say, I rocked it. I still have many of those sweaters that I wear to this vary day. They are so durable. Timeless.
I am not sure if it was accidental or by design but thankfully through all that channel surfing, I found Seinfeld. Seinfeld had such an impact on me that I planned my entire week leading up to Thursday around getting in front of a TV by 7pm so I could watch Seinfeld. When it went off the air after 10 seasons, I was completely lost on Thursday. I went into a depression of monumental proportions, even doctor Phil couldn’t help me. Ironically, I am watching Seinfeld as I type this blog.
Yes sir, I am about ready to cut the cord. My daughters have all cut the cord, I have friends that have cut the cord, my sisters have cut the cord, before my mom passed, she cut the cord, but yet… I am still slogging it out in the guide menu like a zombie in search of a brain, not to use but to eat. Cowabunga surfers!