It’s time to get in shape. There, I said it. No, it’s not a new year’s resolution because I seriously dislike New Year’s resolutions. They’ve always seemed somewhat silly to me, for the most part. I’ve heard some doozies over my time but I probably dislike the question more than the resolution. “So… Bob, what’s your New year’s Resolution this year?” Am I the only one who cringes when hearing that? I can’t be. I guess my thought process is this; if it was important enough to you, you would have already done it regardless of the flip in the calendar. Yes, I know, new year, new beginning, I get it. Really.
The most popular resolution seems to be, “I’m gonna lose weight.” I’m a good person, I know that in my heart so let’s not debate that at the moment, we can save that debate for a different blog. My reply when I hear the dreaded lose weight resolution is always “Good for you Bob!” After Bob has decided to transform from Jabba the Hut to Richard Simmons without the oil, we do a little more small talk stuff and I offer a lot of encouragement, “I am proud of you Bob! What’s the plan man?” as I give him the old manly punch on the shoulder, Bob will usually answer “Well I’m gonna eat right this year”.
At this point in the conversation, I am thinking to myself, this is the last time that Bob and I are going to have this conversation and I am pretty certain Bob is gonna give the weight loss thing the old college try but like me, the minute he gets a whiff of some fried chicken and mash potatoes… screw that resolution, However, because Bob is fully committed to “eating right” this year he will strongly consider not having that fourth piece of chicken, so that technically counts as keeping his resolution. I’ve always supported Bob in this style of thinking.
Unless you’re a rabbit, I know that it’s no fun to eat lettuce and broccoli for a year, so it’s super easy to stray. It’s like Mark Twain said about smoking, “Quitting is easy, I’ve done it a thousand times”. You see, all the good food that makes me happy is bad for me and worse, it makes my butt, gut and chin bigger. I miss the days when I had abs and a visible jaw line and I believe that Bob misses the days when he had abs and a visible jaw line which is why he is making the New Year’s resolution to “Eat right.”.
I’m not delusional, I know that a steady diet of Cheeseburgers and burritos makes me very happy but it doesn’t help reduce the size of my butt, gut and chin, not to mention what it does for my cholesterol or gout. I’m sorry, I refuse to discuss gout except the fact that it is an extremely painful affliction brought about by an over-zealous fondness for Cheeseburger’s, Burritos and a bunch of other delicious stuff. It is super frustrating that the scientist that named this ridiculous affliction was not a little more sympathetic or creative. If they had been, they would have named it, Chuburgeritus or Burritoliosis but they intelligently settled for… gout. I mean, come on, venereal diseases have been given more elegant names than “gout”. “Sorry Bob, I can’t play golf today, my dang Chuburgeritus is killin me today” or, “Sorry Bob, my dang syphilis has flared up again and I’m gonna have to skip this round.” Instead, I am forced to settle for…”Sorry Bob, I can’t play golf today, I got gout.” Of course, Bob is always understanding and is quick to reply with, “maybe you should start eating right.”
One of the most amusing and my personal least favorite resolutions is “to not make any resolutions.” This one is designed to be clever and perhaps it once was but it needs to be shelved and instead just say, “I didn’t make any.” I dig that reply very much, it signals the listener that we can move the conversation away from mindless chit chat and focus on the location of the best cheeseburger joint in town.
There are many more noble resolutions that are tangible, like quitting smoking or drinking, saving more money and learning to play an instrument or intangible resolutions, like getting organized, be a better person, be a better father or mother, or be more organized. The tangible ones are somewhat easy to monitor but the intangible ones require a little more introspective and often feedback from others which is where the problems surface. “Hey Bob, am I am better person this year?” Sometimes Bob is just a little too free with his criticism and advice so I am careful to limit this type of solicited advice especially if Bob has just asked me if the pants he is wearing make him look fat. You see what I mean? These new year resolutions can cause severe anxiety amongst family and friends when not properly thought through. That’s why if I make a new year’s resolution, I prefer the tangible kind that need no advice or feedback from anyone.
The last resolution that vexes me the most is… “I’m going to spend more time this year working on myself.” Now, I am not sure what that means exactly but I am an authority on me and I promise you that I don’t have that kind of time or patience. I’ve asked Bob several times throughout the year and he always agrees with me that there is too much of me that needs work so here is my advice to everyone; if you make a resolution stick to it and if you break it, don’t beat yourself up too much, just try again tomorrow. Maybe that’s my “every year” resolution…never stop trying.