Bentonville
Around this time each year, many of us start the process of reflection. We reflect on our success and our failures but we try to dig a little deeper into the choices we made that directly or indirectly led to each of those successes and failures. I personally think this is an important exercise and if done properly can help one stay in the spirit of the holidays.
I have recently been convinced that almost all of life’s failures are failures of networking, fashion, situations or geography. Perhaps summed up better by saying we are in the wrong place at the wrong time, or is that the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time. At least that is the excuse many of us make because in no way would our mistakes have anything to do with our poor choices, lack of patience, ignorance of subject matter, lack of effort or just good ole stupidly, nope, none of those would apply.
You see, I have been watching the Hallmark channel this year and it has become very clear to me that the first major source of life’s failures are a result of geography. Take me for example, I live in a town lazily named Bentonville. Just the name alone doesn’t sound very majestic, in fact, the minute you attach “ville” to any name it becomes redundantly boring. “Ville” basically shouts to all visitors that the good people that founded the town just flat ran out of creativity, with the exception of “Whoville” of course. Even Superman got the short end of the stick when he visited from Krypton and decided to settle in “Smallville”. Come on now, is that all the creativity they could muster? From a spirituality standpoint, I can’t say I have read every word of the bible, (the oldest and best-selling book ever written) but I have dabbled enough to know that I can’t recall one single mention of a “ville” in the bible. I continue to search as we speak so feel free to correct me if you are more theological than I. Despite the fact that the hospitality wasn’t very good in Bethlehem, I for one am glad that the donkey gave out in Bethlehem instead of Bentonville.
I’ve learned that there are places on this planet, beautiful places, with exceptionally wonderful names like Glistening Falls, Euphoric Hills and of course, Majestic Springs. In those towns, creativity and charm flow from every orifice of every citizen and where it always snows on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. There are no car jackings, protests, and even the local waitress, waiters, servers, attendants, tow truck drivers, desk clerks, Christmas tree lot salesman and even the postal workers are happy to see everyone, especially strangers and every one of them have entered into the annual town Christmas cookie baking contest. My money is always on the tow truck driver to win the contest. And even though everyone seems to moderately consume fine wine and spirits , you will not see one single liquor store in any of these town. I’ve done some research on this and apparently the Mayor (who won the Christmas cookie baking contest last year, narrowly edging out the Jolly Postman (who looks a great deal like Santa Clause) in last year’s contest, passed a city ordinance in Glistening Falls that prohibits visible liquor stores and because of this, you are required to drive across county lines to the neighboring town, Liquorville to purchase all your libation needs.
Now, one of the other mistakes of life is that we are always in a hurry. We are always rushing off to the next project or task. I now realize from watching the good people of Majestic Springs, that we just need to slow down, take life as it comes and enjoy every one we meet. They teach us that we should and could invite the postman in for some morning coffee so we can tell him or her about some of our problems, and they could help us sort things out with some good down-home folksy wisdom that they have acquired over their vast experience of having coffee and fresh baked biscuits with everyone in town while on their mail route. I don’t know about you but, most of my mail deliveries come from someone in those boxy ugly trucks that have the steering wheel on the wrong side of the vehicle and even when I do slow down enough to wave at them as they go by, I usually just get the head nod or nothing at all. Maybe I should stand close to the mail box and toss a freshly made cookie or a good hot morning biscuit in that little window they use as they zoom by. I need to learn to make biscuits and cookies first, I bet they would appreciate the sentiment. I will let you know how that works out.
Another mistake we, (guys) make is really not our fault, it’s more genetic than anything but some dudes just can’t grow a beard. I am a great example of this; after a couple months of trying to grow a beard people always ask me if I am trying to grow a beard so I give up and fire up the Norelco. What is clearly noticeable while being heavily engrossed in these stories, is that every guy in these amazing towns know how to grow a thick and full beard or, they grow that perfect 5’clock shadow. Holy smokes these guys are good looking, especially “Brett” the one that drives the tractor, owns the farm that has been in the family since the Mayflower and also happens to look the best in brown jackets and red flannel. Since Brett is the only one left on the farm these days, he usually eats all of his meals at the diner where Betty works tirelessly serving the good towns people, even on Christmas Eve. Betty is the most cheerful and optimistic person in town. It’s where all the towns people go to get a good dose of “can do attitude”. Betty is also an excellent match maker, she is a real-life dating app, but despite her best efforts, she has been unable to secure a good match for Brett. Betty knows the town men like the back of their hand and she always has her eye out for a mate for all guys and girls but especially Brett, because he has a great 5’clock shadow and looks the best in his brown jacket and red flannel.
Please understand, Betty doesn’t just serve coffee and match make, oh she is much more than that, she has the best homemade sliced apple pie at her diner and because of this, she is not allowed to enter into the town Christmas cookie baking contest. Her famous homemade apple pie is usually the cure for a bad day or a bad mood. Betty’s match making radar is always turned on full blast and she naturally perks up when an exceptionally beautiful woman, usually named Courtney, Brittany, Chasity, or Megan shows up from out of town. The last name is not really important but the sake of discussion, her last name in this story is Schtikum. (Pronounced STICKUM). Now Ms. Brittany Schtikum is in Glistening Falls to buy out Brett’s farm and his “farm fresh food only” restaurant where Betty makes her apple pie, match-makes and provides good sound advice. Ms. Schtikum is in town representing the greedy bastards at Dewy, Dickum, Cheetum & Howe. She is very ambitious and she is just one simple little corporate raid away from gaining a complete partnership. You see her objective is to get her name added to the company letterhead and she is laser focused on ordering the new sign for Dewy, Dickum, Schtikum, Cheetum & Howe.
Undaunted by the task, Betty’s job is to get the young hard charging, ladder climbing, take no prisoner, beautiful corporate executive to slow down, have some coffee and slice of pie and especially get her to notice Brett at the end of the counter reading the paper while he sips his coffee and eats his pie. Somehow, Betty will manage to get Brett off the bar stool or the tractor long enough to merge his homemade cookies with Ms. Schtikums’ cookies. Betty knows this is not a one-person job so she will need the help of the mayor and just for the good of the town and despite his desire for a “repeat” victory, he will not give his best effort in the town Christmas Cookie contest this year. Betty will also need the help of the postman, who looks remarkably like Santa Clause. The postman will happily forgo his efforts to avenge last year’s 2nd place finish to the mayor in the town Christmas cookie baking contest because it’s the right thing to do.
What does all this mean? I t means that I have learned that if it weren’t for the greedy bastards at Dewy, Dickum, Cheetum & Howe (situation), the (networking) skills of Betty at the Diner, Brett’s ability to make brown jackets and red plaid look good (fashionable) in a majestic place called, Bentonville (geography) Christmas cookies would never merge. You see… Bentonville just doesn’t fit in the story as well Glistening Springs. I think I will just stay a “Ville”un.