And that’s the way it was…
As far as the news goes, so much has happened in the last few weeks that there is simply too much to choose from. I have grappled with the idea of covering everything in little snippets or trying to narrow my focus and give excruciating and sometimes painful detail to one particular important topic.
Seriously, how often does and X-president of the United States have his home raided by the FBI? Not often, scratch that, never. That’s a pretty big story but it is simply too heavy for me to carry so I am going to leave that one alone, although I may touch on the x-first lady Melania Trump and the giddily discussed perusal of her personal closet.
Now, if I am head of the FBI and I am assigned the task of raiding a billionaire’s home, I have to know that there will be elaborate camera systems in every nook and cranny so sneaking a look or sniffing the first ladies’ garments or underpants will undermine the significance of whatever you are trying to do. Those little FBI scamps!
The other big story this week is that the NFL season started! Well, not really, it is preseason so you won’t see any of your favorite players until the actual season starts four weeks from now. I guess it would be more accurate to say that the NFL auditions have begun. Here is the real story about the pre-season games being played; there are 1,093,234 high school football players and out of those nearly 1.1 million boys, 6.5% or 73,000 will actually go on to play college football and then…here is where it gets real, out of those 73,000 boys, only 16,380 will eventually become eligible for the NFL draft and then…out of those 16,000 boys, only 254 will likely to be picked in the draft. That’s picked in the draft, It doesn’t mean they actually make the team. I am always optimistic but I try not to be intentionally stupid so, I don’t watch the preseason.
One of the other top stories that I could talk about is the 700 million we (Tax Payers) sent to the Ukraine on top of the 40 billion that the (Tax Payers) have already sent. That is a ton of money and no one seems to know where it all goes. I have a theory that it may have been in Melania’s panty drawer but that is nothing more than a theory at this point. All this money sent to Ukraine is quite frustrating, so I have informed congress that I am in a war with stupidity and have subsequently requested a measly million. I have committed in my request, to appoint an oversight committee so that there can be no administrative hanky-panky. Have battled this war on stupidity my entire life without any outside aide and I think it’s high time I got a little relief.
Now I come to the real top story of the week, a splinter. To be more specific, my splinter. I acquired this splinter about two weeks ago while creating fabulous works of art in my garage/shop/studio. This splinter is not your average “grab it with a tweezer and pull” splinter. I found out first hand that it didn’t even qualify as one of the “poke around with a needle until you find it” type of splinters. No sir, this splinter apparently entered my ring finger at projectile speed and nestled itself deep below my heavily calloused, manly looking ring finger.
Now, my tolerance for pain allows me to keep my man card in the ID window of my wallet at all times but, this splinter is testing my limits. The wooden projectile caused me enough pain this week to stop by the walk-in clinic, one of my all-time least favorite places to visit. I have learned through vast experience that I could walk in carrying my head like a football, place the bloody cranium on the counter and they would say… “fill out this form and the doctor will be with you shortly”. If you have read any of my previous blogs, you will already know that you NEVER see a doctor anymore, you only see a Nurse Practitioner. I am confident that all the doctors in the country have now applied for one of the 87,000 new jobs the IRS has posted.
I will try and make a long story short by letting you know that the nurse practitioner from Uganda, a lovely lady with a jovial personality used a scalpel to dig, slice, hack, saw and eventually, mutilate by beautiful manly well calloused ring finger. At this point in the story I would like to tell you that she found the evil splinter, sewed me back up and sent me on my way, but that is not the case. When she finally got the bleeding reduced to an acceptable level through compressions, a tourniquet and wound packing gauze she informed me that I would need to go to the emergency room. Friday evening in the emergency room? No thank you. I plan to wait on congress to release the “war on stupidity” funds I requested. In the meantime, I ordered a wood lathe to spin this splinter into a baseball bat when it finally decides to exit my finger