Check Engine!!!
To me, short of watching your own heart monitor machine go flatline, the check engine light on your vehicle causes more anxiety than any other warning light known to mankind. Just to be clear, I’ve never been a pilot, so I am sure the little light on the dash that comes on and lets you know that the engines are dead might cause a little more anxiety, but I would think that the sudden quiet followed by the struggle with gravity might render the “your engines are dead” lights kinda moot but I am speculating.
Normally, my expert Stephen Covey training kicks in and I immediately stop worrying about things that are of my circle of influence. But that little yellow check engine light is well within my circle of influence and I have no choice but to deal with it.
My first issue with the light is that it is yellow. We all know that when we see a yellow light when we are happily driving down the road means that we should simply go much faster, problem solved.
I would prefer that the light be something less cautionary, such as lavender, or perhaps even black, at least that way it would blend with the dash and we would never see it. I would even be happy with pink because I have been told that real men know how to wear pink and I am definitely a real man except… when it comes to automotive repair. I’m a wuss.
So, I went to the local auto parts store and for 100$, I bought one of those self-diagnostic little plug-in tools you jam into the bottom of your dash just under the steering wheel. When you sync this thing up to your phone, it will run a complete diagnostic report and tell you exactly what the problem is. It really works! The down side is, I have no idea how to fix any of the things that it told me was wrong with my beloved truck. The upside is, I know what the problem is BEFORE I take it to get fixed. As I will illustrate later, knowing what is wrong with your car or in my case, my truck, doesn’t matter one bit.
You see I have a catalytic converter problem. I am literally cutting and pasting the information about my beloved catalytic converter into the body of this blog;
Exhaust Catalytic Converter Replacement: REPLACE CATALYTIC CONVERTER
Item Description
A device used to reduce the toxicity of emissions from an internal combustion engine.
Reason
If not replaced, a failing catalytic converter will cause the vehicle to fail an emission test. It can become noisy and smell offensively. It can restrict gas flow causing the engine to run poorly or not at all.
Ok, please note that if not replaced, this thing can become “noisy” and “smell offensively”. I found that description to be very intriguing because the last thing I would ever want to do is offend someone I don’t know and don’t care about with the odors emanating from my beloved manly truck.
I have decided that this catalytic convertor thing acts sort of like beano, the over-the-counter supplement that contains a natural enzyme called alpha-galactosidase, which helps prevent flatulence (farting), abdominal bloating, and stomach pain. I promise not to descend into the depths of cheap fart jokes but hey, my truck has some gas problems and if not treated, it can let off some offensive odors. I don’t see much difference in a catalytic convertor and beano. To be real, if I have too much Thanksgiving grazing, you could easily describe my behavior as odorous and offensive.
My favorite auto shop repair guy is “Norm the tire guy”. Yes, that is really the name of the shop. Norm does everything EXCEPT, you guessed it, catalytic converters. Now, Old Norm told me to take it to Midas and they would replace it on the cheap. I was excited that Norm was concerned about my financial situation and I subsequently developed a man crush on old Norm for just being an all-around stand-up guy.
Armed with all this quality information about my Trucks gassy, bloating problem, I went to Midas and scheduled an appointment to take the truck in. We scheduled the appointment for 8am on a Wednesday so they could check it out. I got my beloved truck back on Saturday morning only to be told that I which caused the check engine light to come on. So, they changed my oil again, charged me 70 bucks for the service and handed me the keys. I could not believe that I had been betrayed by Norm so quickly into this bromance but I couldn’t argue, the check engine light was no longer warning me of impending doom.
Now before the ink was dry on my divorce with Norm, the check engine light came on a week later and this time, it fired its warning shot by not starting at all. Nothing, no clicking, no flashing lights no loud music left over from my last happy trip in my beloved truck. All I got was that eerie silence, maybe that’s kind what it’s like in the plane when the dead engine light comes on? Apparently, the battery was dead.
I know how to jump start a car better than most. In fact, I keep a set of jumper cables in my truck so that I can be of assistance to old people and exceptionally attractive female motorist. Oh stop, Ive helped plenty of ugly people. The one thing I don’t do is keep them in my truck so that I can meekly approach a stranger and say “say bro, can you jump me?” I prefer to be very careful with that request, being the people watcher that I am, I may pass on the first few potential applicants because if you pick the wrong person, male or female, you could find yourself in a lot more trouble than just a dead battery.
After I have changed the battery and got my beloved truck running again, the check engine light was still on and I am about to pull out my 38 snub nose and put my beloved truck out of its misery, but I don’t have the heart. I saw Ole Yeller and I am still pissed they shot that poor heroic dog. I don’t care if it was rabid and foaming at the mouth, maybe ole yeller just needed new catalytic converter. We will never know.
Since the truck is a Ford, I decided to take it to the Ford dealer. I would like to tell you that here is where I tie this story up with a nice neat happy bow but I can’t. I scheduled my beloved truck to enter into the Ford Dealership ER ward on Tuesday. On Friday morning of the same week, they sent me their 15 POINT INSPECTION (via email) report and it was a doozy.
Their 15 POINT INSPECTION indicated that I needed new shocks, struts, alternator, new tires, water pump, brake rotors and pads, back up camera replacement and a new battery all for the low low price of 7,808.00. My first beloved truck cost me 500$, the whole truck. Oh, and they will have to order the parts so I will need to reschedule to have my truck in their O.R. when the parts arrive. Remember that “flat line” thing I was talking about? Yeah me too.
Of course, I didn’t agree with the all of the issues and subsequently, after they removed those heart starting charging paddles from my chest, I politely gave the fellas at the Ford dealer instructions on how to have pleasurable intercourse with themselves.
Long story short, I ordered the catalytic convertor to be repaired and that’s it. I may not be sharpest knife in the drawer but this blade can still cut through B.S with relative ease.