Alright, I celebrated a birthday today, mine. I would like to defend myself and stress to you that “celebrate” is far too strong of word to describe the day. Perhaps “placid acknowledgment” would be more apropos.
My grandson spent the night with us so I woke up to two tiny feet wedged firmly between my upper and lower jaw. He talks in his sleep and I remember him shouting something about fireman, so I can only assume that perhaps he was using my head to practice kicking down a door to save wretched souls before they are doomed to perish in a midnight inferno. Either way, I was proud of his heroics and woke up make him Mickey Mouse Pancakes.
As I was making pancakes I began to wonder about the history of birthdays and the subsequent celebrations that accompany them, so I did some research. I can hear a collective moan from the readers as I sprinkle you with enough worthless facts and information to last you a life time. Perhaps if you have enough to drink and you are trying to impress someone, this blog could come in handy. Some of this “information” might actually be true so hang on to your butts.
The well-known Italian Archeologist Blistering Pomposity discovered unbelievably detailed cave drawings in a cavern located just 70 kilometers south of Rome, nearly 9000 feet below the surface. The depictions illustrated stick figures in pointy hats with their mouths firmly attached to some kind of wind instrument or perhaps a prehistoric kazoo. All of the stick people were gathered around a flaming three-tiered object that he quickly surmised was a birthday cake. When Mr. Pomposity was asked about the significance of the find he said, “those folks really knew how to party”.
I don’t think I would believe that one of I were you. I warn you that if you try to pass that one off as fact, folks at the next party will begin to give you plenty of space as you are forced to sip your Old Fashion alone. However, it did get me to thinkin… Danger…Danger…Danger… (use your best 50’s robot voice when you read that last part) It’s much more fun for the reader.
Seriously, the Egyptians were noted for their birthday bashes nearly 3000 years ago. Apparently, it was sort of centered around the Rich Egyptians. The middle to lower income folks in and around Mesopotamia didn’t have time for such egotistical behavior. What is intriguing is that the average adult male lived to a ripe old age of about 30 back then so you’d think EVERYONE would get fired up about blowing out another candle with such a compressed lifespan.
You see, The Greeks had a thing for offering sacrifices to the gods and as a tribute to Artemis, (the Lunar Goddess), one of the best inventions ever came to be. The Greeks would offer her moon-shaped cakes. Cakes which were adorned with lit candles and BAM…there you go! Now you can dazzle some folks with some cold hard facts the next time you blow out the inferno in front of you designed to mark each year of your life. I’m layin it down now…
Seriously, birthdays were a thing for the wealthy and not for the peasants. Think about it, It was very difficult to keep exact measures track of time before 19th century. All that was available was a wind-up clock and even those were “grandfathered” so they were allowed to keep poor time. Let’s say you managed to tote your grandfather clock across the plains and get it settled into your back breaking, hand-built cabin on the prairie, if you forgot to wind your clock after the 7 days, you were just SOL. There was no one around to say “hey what time you got?” So back then they just decided, “hey son, me and your mother were really cold one night in one of the winter months and decided to heat things up a little bit so we figure your birthday is sometime between August and October so let’s have a birthday party for you! Close enough.
And now here comes the song you must sit through while everyone stares at you. It is at that moment that you cannot, sneeze, pick or wipe anything within 3 feet of your head, for all eyes are on you. If you have a crusty, too bad, let it hang until the song is over so everyone can have a good laugh at your expense for many years to come.
In 1893 a school teacher named Mildred Green, who happens to be my great great Grandmother sang a song to her class every morning, but the words she sang were; “good morning to you… good morning to you… good morning to ALL… good morning to you!” Overtime, the little copyright stealing children of her classes began to use it in the birthday version we know to this day. My poor Great Great Grandmother was robbed of her creativity and subsequent royalties that should come with every singing of her song. I would be worth a fortune today had she not been robbed of her intellectual property. Now…every bit of that is true, EXCEPT… her name was Mildred Hill and we are of no relationship. I was just dreaming for a second. Cut me some slack, I am still upset about not having rights to the throne.
In all honesty, I had a great day, here is what I did: I picked up the dog poop out of the back yard so that my beloved blind doggie Belle won’t step in her own poop. She has fallen in the pool a few times so out of fear, she will only walk a certain path so I try to keep that path “duty free” for her.
I did some wood work of no significance but I looked extremely busy and skilled when I was doing it. I created a lot of saw dust and managed to track it all though the garage and parts of the house.
I changed the battery in my truck because it was dead as a door nail when I tried to start it this morning. I’ve personally never met a “live” doornail, but I just like the sound of it. You know, 6 on one hand, half a dozen on the other. I don’t know what that means either but what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. I don’t know what a gander is but…I digress. I will stop.
Birthdays are great for kids but as a personal preference, I could skip them. No wait, I damn sure can’t wait for my birthday next year!