Gangster Lawn Service LLC.
Well another Tax Day is upon us. I have dutifully paid what I believe to be my “fair share” of taxes for the last 45 years. I think I can safely admit now that I evaded paying taxes in 1976, 1977 & 1978. The statute of limitations has run out on my taxable earnings for those years.
I look back on my illegal lawn mowing business with deep fondness and a little regret. I have to admit that even though my very short life of crime had it perks, I was always on edge, worried that men dressed in black tactical gear, sporting weapons of every kind would come crashing through my unguarded window on Perry Rd and rough me up as they searched for the hidden lawn mowing revenue that I so cleverly hid in the back-left corner of my underwear drawer. Of course, they never did. I chalk it up to the fact that I was more skilled than Al Capone. If only he had known about the impenetrable protection of fruit of the loom’s jockeys drawer, he was probably a boxer type guy.
It was my belief back when I was a tax evading yute… (watch My Cousin Vinny for that one) that some heavily worn, Fruit of the loom skivvies provided an impenetrable safe house for all my riches in more ways than one. I freely admit, that I still hide things in my underwear drawer but not for the secretive nature of evading taxes. Thankfully, I’ve reformed and sworn off the thug life.
Now days, I like to put things in that underwear safehouse drawer like; a key chain bottle opener that had a significant meaning or a dime that I found in the grocery store parking lot that I thought might be silver but I haven’t had time to thoroughly inspect it. I keep all those tiny treasures safely tucked away in the back-left corner, just like I did when I was hiding my “yute loot” from Uncle Sam. Only now, when I re-discover them, many years later, I have to ponder for hours as to who might have snuck into my underwear drawer and put an Army man bottle opener in there, along with a filthy dime!
Yes sir, my life of crime is over and I walk the straight and narrow now. I dutifully pay my taxes as I am required to do so. Proper self-awareness and reflection let me know that I would not do well in prison. Don’t get me wrong, I am as tough as they come, I just recently dug a splinter out of my left hand bird finger without any anesthesia. (I will spare you the details of the pain and blood loss but I can promise you, it was immense), The real reason I wouldn’t do well in prison is that, I just don’t look good in bright orange and I am a picky eater.
So, each year, the head of the “fair share committee” normally informs my accountant at Stafford & Westervelt, that unless I ante up a few more bucks, lot more bucks, heart attack level bucks, inheritance level bucks, on April 15th, that many Ukrainians will go without proper necessities.
So, to all of you that may be walking that thin gray line between crime and harmony, for goodness sake…Choose harmony and pay your fair share. You’ll thank me later. As for now, I have a dime to inspect. Happy Tax Day.