Thank you Taylor…
Well, we are about to close the books on 2023 and go kicking and screaming into 2024, just kidding, most of us have been watching the clock slowly tick away on 2023 like a politician watches for the next camera to appear. With some fiction mixed with fact, I shall effortlessly recap the top stories of the year for your reading pleasure.
January; a young healthy vibrant football player for the Buffalo Bills (Demar Hamlin) collapsed and died after fulfilling his duties for his team by deliberately crashing into an opposing player. Superior Medical units on the scene thankfully restarted the young man’s heart and by luck or divinity, Demar has returned to the Buffalo Bills in a more limited capacity.
The highly accurate and well-respected WHO (World Health Organization) immediately released a joint statement with pharmaceutical giant… (fill in the blank), noting that the “unexplained heart stoppage” had nothing to do with the NFL’s mandatory COVID vaccination, emphasizing that political philanthropist and air taxi service mogul, Jeffery Epstein perished from an eerily similar incident.
Also, in January, after two fist fights, some nasty name calling, some backroom concessions, and 15 votes, California Congressman Kevin McCarthy was elected Speaker of the house. The first republican speaker of the house in four years. Overcome with joy, he immediately snatched the coveted gavel from outgoing speaker Nancy Polisi’s well-manicured hands, then pinned her in an “arm bar take-down”, made her say “uncle” and as a test of bipartisanship, she was required to provide him with upcoming insider trader information in regards to future corporate IPO’s and Military contracts.
February; A Norfolk Southern train derailed in small town in Eastern Ohio. The train contained chemicals that could be considered harmful if ingested in any way and the residents were told to evacuate immediately. The Center for disease control released a statement noting that the chemicals being transferred by the rail company had nothing to do with the Covid 19 Vaccination. When asked about the loss of life and property in the small town, Norfolk Southern executives denied any wrong doing by referring to the fact that Jeffery Epstein perished in a similar fashion.
Former President Donald J. Trump visited the site of the train derailment and purchased cheeseburgers for all of the remaining residents, shook as many hands as he could until he was handed a subpoena requiring him to immediately appear before the Delaware grand jury on overdue library book fees. The Delaware prosecuting attorney appeared before the media with a written statement that simply said; “No one is above the law, Presidents, bankers, illegal immigrants, hookers or politicians of any kind can not blatantly subvert the Dewey Decimal system in such a flamboyant way”. She ended her written statement with; “Jeffery Epstein would still be alive today had he simply returned his overdue books, justice must be served”.
Oh! and one other teeny tiny insignificant event in February occurred; a Chinese spy balloon traversed the entire United States, transmitting data and photos of the fruited planes before being shot down by US military jets. When president Biden was asked why it took so long to shoot down a clear threat to the American Borders he stated that the “pictures he had seen so far did not capture his “good side” and was negotiating with China on a “better angle”.
March; Some insignificant regional banks collapsed in March when they discovered that their outbound loans and expenses dramatically exceeded their inbound contributions and deposits. Citing a simple clerical error and apologetically stating that “they didn’t mean to”, these small insignificant regional banks caused the third largest bank collapse in US History resulting in First Republic Banks permanent closure. The FDIC managed to insure all of the account holders in these insignificant regional banks which included, California Governor Gavin Newsom, that their money was never in any real jeopardy. When asked how these banks managed to fail, President Joseph Biden stated that “those fella’s must not have paid attention in Geometry like I did, I was named the top student in my Algebra class when I invented the Isosceles triangle.”
Also, in March, Taylor Swift announced her new ERAS world tour and that she would place a twenty-five-thousand-dollar cap on individual ticket prices. After 198 shows were sold out across the world in 68 seconds, she announced that she was starting a FIRST SWIFT BANK franchise in the great state of California but would slow down her touring a bit during the football season so she could boost ratings for the NFL. Kansas City Chief fans jeered her arrival proclaiming it to be a publicity stunt and bad for the team. When she was asked for comment about the Chief’s fan base being unhappy with her association, she simply replied “why you gotta be so mean?”
April; Democrat President Joseph Biden, Republican Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy and Democrat Senate Leader Charles Schumer came together in an Historic Oval Office meeting and agreed that the American people were overtaxed and underrepresented by their elected officials and they would immediately introduce legislation that would lower taxes for the working-class Americans and reduce the size of government. April fools….
Actually, in the news coming out of Pennsylvania; Citizens in Beaver Pennsylvania were searching for answers to the putrid odor that has been wafting through their nostrils as of late. The source of the odor has been traced to the cracker plant operated by the Shell Polymer Monaca company. Former President Bill Clinton offered his assistance stating that “there was no need for ethnic slurs and that it was high time we all got past the “Monaca” thing”. President Joseph Biden declined to comment stating that “Shell companies aren’t his bag.”
May; On May 5th the WHO (World Health Organization) declared that the Covid-19 virus was no longer considered a Global health emergency. Citing the Covid-19 vaccine success rate, Pharmaceutical giant (fill in the blank) company spokes-person Demar Hamlin stated, “see, we kicked it’s ass.” He then hurriedly left the press conference stating “I got tickets to the Taylor Swift concert so, Don’t Blame Me…Bye Bye baby.”
Also, in May; Rock and Roll legend and heart stopper Tina Turner passed away. Nothing funny about that, she was an amazing woman. RIP Ms. Turner. My favorite line, “who needs a heart when a heart can be broken.” Put that worm in your ear and smoke it in hell Ike.
June; In earth shattering news, Argentinian Mega Super star soccer player Lionel Messi decided to join the Inter Miami CF soccer team based in Miami Florida that competes in the USL Championship, the second tier of the American soccer Pyramid. (If you understood all that…please get a life). When asked for comment about his decision to leave his former team, Paris St. Germain and his upcoming 150-million-dollar payday, the soccer super star stated that he was happy that he could now afford Taylor Swift Concert tickets and the folks in France just needed to “shake it off”.
In other news for June; Former President Donald J Trump received his 133rd criminal indictment. In a press conference, The New York Attorneys General stated that former President Donald J Trump’s enthusiasm for McDonalds fast food and videotaped evidence of his recent purchases of cheeseburgers for the chemically afflicted people of Palestine Ohio may have led to what she described as “irregular bowel movements” and therefore must be investigated. She also indicated that these “irregular bowel movements” could possibly be linked to the foul order at the Beaver Pennsylvania cracker factory, which could lead to more indictments. She summed up the press conference by stating “no one is above the law in the country, open flagellation is a right ,not a privilege, in this country and Mr. Trump does not get a free pass on the smell test.”
July; Earlier in the year, after borrowing 45 billion dollars from FIRST SWIFT BANK of California, Electric car maker and renowned builder of rocket ships, Elon Musk, purchased the social media behemoth “Twitter” and decided in the month of July to jettison the old “Twitter” Logo and totally rebrand the company simply as, “X”. When asked why he chose a letter instead of perhaps a number he replied “I thought about using the number “9” instead of “X” but I heard that “seven eight nine” and just went with “X” but he couldn’t explain “Y”. Ok..Dad joke…wake up, we are just half way through.
Oh! And other news in July, The SAG/AFTRA (The actors/writers Union) workers went on strike and nobody gave a shit.
August; Former President Donald J Trump received his 148th indictment for questioning the validity of the 2020 election. The department of justice stated that they had personally interviewed all 81million citizens that voted for President Joseph Biden and through their investigation, they found that 73 million Biden voters had temperatures above 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit and that based off their forensic evidence of the remaining 8 million Biden supporters, the former presidents claim of voter fraud, in their words, was… “Snow on the Beach”.
September; Distinguished and long-term senator from California Diane Feinstein passed away at the age of 90 but still managed to cast a vote towards a continuing resolution spending bill. Congressional leaders from both sides of the aisle praised her commitment to “finishing the job”.
In other news for September, the Baltimore Catholic Archdiocese filed for bankruptcy, as over 600 lawsuits involving child sex abuse have been filed against them. An unnamed spokesperson for the Baltimore Archdiocese stated that “Due to the churches financial shortcomings, the church would not be able to conduct weekly mass, however the confessional, youth programs and children’s daycare would remain open and fully operational.”
October; Because of what happened on October 7th in Israel, I sincerely dreaded this month, so skip over it if you want to, but I had to make my feelings known. A group of Barbarians swept into southern Israel and proceeded to murder, rape, torture and kidnap Jewish and American citizens. Some of their victims are still being held captive as of this writing. Their barbaric deeds and actions are so gruesome that I dare not repeat any of it, other than to say; I hope all of the men that gleefully participated in the murder of over 1600 innocent Jewish citizens, which included babies, are hunted down and sent on their journey to meet Satan. I believe that 72 Virgins will not await them, in fact, I even more firmly believe that Lucifer will use them as his own virgins. Pure Evil exists in the world and we all got a wake-up call on October 7th. Let’s move on to November…
November; I did not want to associate the death of Matthew Perry in the October writing so, I moved him into November so I could properly pay my respects. Mr. Perry died on Oct 28th at the age of 54, just 6 years younger than me. By all accounts, Mr. Perry was a good man who often personified his ‘Chandler Bing” personality in real life. He was good at his craft, he made me laugh, he made my daughters laugh for 10 wonderful years while on the cast of Friends, and continues to do so through syndication. Even though he had his personal demons, his gift of comedic timing and comical facial expressions were just that, a gift. The ability to make someone laugh is easy, just arm fart in public and see what happens. However, the ability to make millions laugh every week through wit, punch line delivery, self-deprecating humor or a comedic facial expression is HARD, but he made it look easy. Thank you, Mr. Perry, for the laughs and the gift of your talent, RIP Chandler. The world was better with you in it.
Also, in November; SAG/AFTRA (the actors union) ended their 118-day strike and still, nobody gave a shit.
December; A Japanese steel company began the process of purchasing the historic US Steel company, located in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, for 15 billion US dollars. When asked if he supported the purchase, President Biden stated that “they (Japan) needed all that steel to make their plastic stereo’s and fake rubber dog poop and what not”. He followed up by saying that “Japan has always been welcomed here in the United States”, He went on to offer the presidential proclamation that, “December 7th as National Japan day, a date that will live in infamy!”
In other news in December, Republican New York Congressman George Santos was expelled from the House of representatives. Just 6 other representatives share that distinction. The other 6 expelled from the House were expelled for supporting the confederacy during the civil war. In Mr. Santos case, he was expelled for falsifying his resume both educationally and professionally while lying to his constituents and improper use of campaign funds. The other 434 house members declined to comment.
Oh! And in other news in December; Former President Donald Trump received his 198th indictment for over-stating the value of his assets in order to obtain loans that were paid back with interest. Combined with this action, he was also removed from the 2024 presidential ballots in the state of Colorado and Maine. When asked to comment, the former President stated “This is why we can’t have nice things”. The only other president in US History to be purposely removed from an election ballot was none other than Abraham Lincoln.
Finally, to close out 2023 optimistically, rumors are spreading throughout the financial world that Mega super star, Taylor Swift, has just purchased a Japanese Steel company for 15 billion and relocated their headquarters to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. When asked for comment, Ms. Taylor smiled and said “Today was a fairytale”.
Happy New Year folks- love you all.