Lately I have been reviewing more of the recommended videos recommended for me on Facebook, some are interesting and some are not. I have often wondered how Facebook decides what videos would be the most appealing to me and I can’t find a legitimate reason. The algorithms on this one has me perplexed. Could it be that I am “timed” by how long I linger on one style of video? Maybe I stayed with a video longer than I should have? I have no idea, so now, when I am trying to clear all those little red warning buttons off the bottom of my Facebook page like some twisted game of whack a mole, I feel like I am playing hot potato or I’m trying to keep my phone conversation from being tracked by the CIA. I quickly speed through each category trying not to linger too long but some flat out paralyze me.
The first categories I get stuck on are the paranormal, I guess it’s a chess game to me, I have this insatiable urge to solve the mystery of the sliding chair, cabinet being opened and closed, doors being slammed and thanks to the movie Amityville Horror there is always the barely audible recording of ole Lucifer or one of his minions telling the unwelcome intruders to “get out” in a voice that sounds a great deal like Sylvester Stallone burning some fat on one of those vibrating belt massagers from the 1960. The one you just stood on, wrapped a big belt around your big ole tushy and just let that thing vibrate the pounds off you like butter in the microwave. Well, sadly, the barely audible voice nor the belt buster massager work for me. I can never understand why these instances of paranormal activity always seem to be filmed on a fisher price toy video and voice recorder. The film is always grainy and hard to see and it is always just dark enough so you can’t see the fishing line or the guy hunkered down in the corner with the slow recording talkback from Home Alone, saying “get out” as slow as he can. Are bigfoot sightings considered paranormal? Next category…
Remember when the pandemic hit and we were all banned from sports arenas for a year? Apparently, that worked out well enough to stop the spread of all kinds of stuff in its tracks, (mainly civility) and allowed us all to get back in sports arena’s so we could get back to beating the hell out of each other. Stadium fights are fascinating to me for several reasons but mainly because of the cost!
The last NFL football game I went to was in 2010 (the team with the star on their helmet) and for the four of us that were fortunate enough to attend, the tickets were roughly 300.00 a piece, so the quick math for entry into this sporting event goes like this 4×300 = 1200.00. At this point, after parking 12 miles away and hitchhiking into to stadium range, I would like to emphasize that for 1200.00 we are now merely inside the stadium, hunting for our seats in the second deck.
So now, we all know that a sporting event of this grandeur cannot be enjoyed without an adult beverage. Simple economics inside the stadium have quickly taught me that the cost of transporting beer (not my brand mind you) into this event far exceeds the cost of transporting beer to anywhere else in the world, including Mars. So, 4 beers x π each = 2nd Mortgage, no seconds allowed, you get the point. Throw in a few gallon buckets of popcorn and some 27$ hotdogs in the mix and you are now being penalized by the government for tapping into your 401K. At this point in the game when you should be rooting for your team of choice, you are having a discussion with your kids the educational benefits that junior college and trade schools offer. Now that I have had time to calculate the damage to my retirement portfolio, I probably deserve to get the living daylights beat out of me for actually going to the game instead of watching it on TV but I will pass on the highly public pummeling that will be viewed by millions on Facebook.
The last category that has me mesmerized is Seinfeld bloopers. Seinfeld was and still is my favorite show of all time. It is the best show ever, in the name of all things ever, so help me Jerry. The idea that people that make a living being funny, do things to each other that make them laugh uncontrollably is even funnier than the show itself. When I was a kid, me and my friend would make each other laugh in church and to me, it is something similar. It’s hard to stop laughing when you absolutely HAVE to stop laughing and be serious. Church service and funerals are the two places where you should probably keep your act together but if you’ve ever seen the Mary Tyler Moore episode where she went to Chuckles the Clown funeral, she couldn’t stop laughing and no matter what she did or tried, she couldn’t stop the laughter. It was highly irreverent and highly funny. Maybe after watching several juiced-up fans in team apparel beating the snot out of each other while at the same time hearing a couple of doors slamming shut on the their own and telling me to get out in an a deep Lucifer style inaudible voice… Seinfeld bloopers are a welcome respite from the real world.